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臨終病人最後悔的……

臨終病人最後悔的……

最近有一篇文章在Facebook twitter上頻頻被轉載,Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed (護士告訴你 : 臨終病人最後悔的5件事) ,它的原文是一名叫Bronnie Ware的護士寫的。Bronnie Ware專門照顧那些臨終病人,所以有機會聽到很多人臨終前說出他們一生裡最後悔的事。她作了一個概括,有5件事是大多數人最後悔的。
很 好奇為什麼這麼多人轉載它?也許,因為這是一種你永遠無法提前經歷的事吧!你不會時常面對別人的死亡,你更不怎麼時常有機會聽到一個臨終前的人告訴你他最 後悔的事是什麼。而即便你聽到,你又會覺得自己來日方長。我們似乎永遠無法感同身受;也許,只有我們自己的生命到了盡頭時,我們才會意識到自己究竟錯過了 什麼?最後悔什麼?
1. 我希望當初我有勇氣過自己真正想要的生活,而不是別人希望我過的生活。
這是所有後悔的事中最常聽到的。
心理學上有個理論,較之那些我們做過的事,人們後悔的往往是那些沒做的事。所以當人們在生命盡頭往回看時,往往會發現有好多夢想應該實現,卻沒有實現。你的生活方式、你的工作、你的感情、你的伴侶,其實我們多少人過著的是別人希望你過的生活,而不是自己真正想要的生活——又可能,一直以來你把別人希望你過的生活當作是你想要的生活。
當你疾病纏身時,才發現其實自己應該而且可以放下很多顧慮追求你要的生活,似乎已經晚了一點。
2. 我希望當初我沒有花這麼多精力在工作上。

Ware
說這是她照顧過的每一個男病人會說的話。因為工作,他們錯過了關注孩子成長的樂趣,錯過了愛人溫暖的陪伴,這是他們最深的後悔與愧疚。其實對於現在的職業女性來說,這也將成為一個問題。
如果把你的生活變簡單些,你也許會發現自己在做很多你以為你需要做其實不需要你做的事。騰出那些事占的空間,可能你會過得開心一點。
3. 我希望當初我能有勇氣表達我的感受。
太多的人壓抑自己的感受與想法,只是為了「天下太平」,不與別人產生矛盾。漸漸他們就成了中庸之輩,無法成為他們可以成為的自己。其實,有很多疾病與長期壓抑憤怒與消極情緒有關。
也許當你直言不諱,你會得罪某些人。但可能從此以後因為你的中肯,你們不打不相識;又或者翻臉,正好讓你擺脫這種需要你壓抑自己感受才能維持的累人關係。不管哪一種結果,你都是贏家,不是嗎?——不過當然,直言不諱還是有底線的。
4. 我希望當初我能和朋友保持聯繫。
老朋友的好,我們總要到自己有事了的時候才會想到。
多少人因為自己忙碌的生活忽略了朋友忽略了曾經閃亮的友情。很多人臨終前終於放下錢、放下權,卻放不下心中的情感與牽掛。朋友也好,愛人也罷,其實生命最後的日子裡,他們才是我們最深的惦念。
5. 我希望當初我能讓自己活過開心點。
也許有點出乎意料,但這一條也在前5之中。很多人直到生命的最後才發現,「快樂是選擇」。
他們在自己既定習慣和生活方式中太久了,習慣了掩飾,習慣了偽裝,習慣了在人前堆起笑臉。就像五月天的那首歌,「你不是真正的快樂,你的笑只是你給的保護色」。他們以為是生活讓他們不快樂,其實是他們自己讓自己不快樂了。
是只有臨終的時候才會發現,別人怎麼看你又有什麼關係呢?傻也好,怪也罷,能有真心的笑,比什麼都值得!

 

 
Bronnie Ware

For many years, I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2.  I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, and choose honestly. Choose happiness.

星雲法師:善德之語

亂的產生,以語言為先鋒,人惹禍害,也以語言最為厲害。所以《尚書》載:語言不合義理,正好招致羞辱。《詩經》亦載:白珪之玷,尚可磨也,斯言之玷,不可 為也。齒頰一動,千駟莫追。意思是,一塊白玉有了缺損,還可以磨得平齊,但是語言失當,就無法補救了。好比一千匹快馬,再也追不回來已經說出去的話。因此 我們說話,要學習佛陀說「真語、實語、如語、不誑語、不異語」,這是第一真實之語,也是善語之德。如何說出善德之語?可歸納為下列四點:
第一、正直的語言能去除綺語:
我們說話要說正當的話、真摯的話。綺語如花言巧語,會讓人上當受騙。這種有違真心的綺語,不但令人不予信任,還會折損本身的福德,所以我們要說正直之語,正直語,才是合乎道理的語言。

第二、柔軟的語言能去除惡口:
 我們對人家說話要說親切的語言、慈悲的語言、柔和的語言。因為柔和的語言,別人聽了必定很歡喜。佛經載,如果以惡口罵詈誹謗他人,以圖一時之快,不只罪報如影隨形,本身亦失去力量。因此,不可口出惡語,毀訾他人,讓人生起煩惱,自己也喪失意志。

第三、和合的語言能去除兩舌:
我們跟人說話,要說一種能使人家和好、相應的語言,而不是挑撥離間的話。挑撥離間,在佛教裏叫做兩舌、妄語,東家長、西家短,搬弄是非、蜚長流短,向此說彼、向彼說此,這種人就是兩面人。因此要以和合的語言,才能把兩舌語去除。

第四、實話的語言能去除妄語:
妄語就是「見言不見,不見言見;法說非法,非法說法。」我們說話,要說真實話;說了真實的好話,還要與自己的言行相符,這些話才能給人相信,給人接受。養成說真實語的習慣,才能去除妄語的壞習慣。

古人說:言語簡寡,在我可以少悔,在人可以少怨。所以話多不如話少,話少不如話好。再說,語言最容易積德,比如,看到人家做善事,發言讚美;見人為惡,善言規勸;人有爭訟,做和事佬;人有冤抑,協助辨明。不揭人隱私,不自贊毀他,這都是善德之語。

為婦貿鼻喻

昔有一人,其婦端正,唯有鼻丑。其人外出,見他婦面貌端正,其鼻甚好,便作是言:我今寧可截取其 鼻,著我婦面上,不亦好乎!即截他婦鼻,持來歸家,急喚其婦:汝速出來,與汝好鼻。其婦出來,即割其鼻,尋以他鼻著婦面上。既不相著,復失其鼻,唐 使其婦受大苦痛。世間愚人,亦復如是。聞他宿舊沙門、婆羅門有大名德,而為世人之所恭敬,得大利養,便作是念言:我今與彼便為不異。虛自假稱,妄言有 德,既失其利,復傷其行。如截他鼻,徒自傷損。世間愚人,亦復如是。

從 前有一個人,娶了一個妻子,她的面貌很美麗,不過鼻子生得不好看。後來這個人在外面遇見一個女人,不但容貌很美麗,而且鼻子更是端正可愛,因此,他心裡打 主意說︰『如果我把這個女人的鼻子割下來,裝到我的妻子臉上去,那不是很好嗎?』他果然就去割下那女人的鼻子,拿著急忙跑回家去,對他的妻子說︰『快來快 來,我給你換一個好鼻子!』說了,就把他妻子的鼻子也割下,要替她上這一個好的,但是無論怎樣,終於裝不上去。這樣,他既割了別個女人的鼻子,又失去了自 己妻子的鼻子,沒有得到好處,卻損害了兩個女人。

這故事比喻︰有人癡心妄想主觀很深,自驕自大,輕舉妄動,結果常致兩敗俱傷,害人自害。